How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
