Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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