Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
