U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
