Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
