on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
