It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
