Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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