woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
