Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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