you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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