I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
