you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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