I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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