i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
