Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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