I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
