Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
