I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
