I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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