I'm gonna have a badass scar
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
