So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
