The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
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I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated