This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"