wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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