I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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