did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
