I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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