I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
