I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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