my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
