I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
