I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
