You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
