the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
