Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
