dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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