Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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