You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
