is your mom at the bar?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
