I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
