What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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