He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize