im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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