I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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