Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
