I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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