if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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