All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
