Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
