She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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