just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
