thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
