I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
