Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
These tits shall not be calmed
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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