Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
