Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
