There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
