I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
