Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I cut my penus on the lid.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
