So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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